Untitled...

I sit here
This room ever darkening
As the sun goes down
And I probe the pain

The ebbing
ever-present pain
that is like a sore tooth
or sprained ankle
Or worse
slow-bleeding wound
that just won't stop

I can see the beauty around me
and within me
The pinks and mauves and blues of the sky
Matching the joy and awe inside me
But in the still deep reaches of my soul
There is you.

I look into that place in my soul and I see
That picture of us
Just two weeks ago
So happy
Tears fall down my cheeks as I admit to myself
That I want to be there again

I want to believe
That this will make us stronger
But all I can fear
Is that this is the end.

I reach into my soul
And lift up that place which holds you
I hold it in my hands
I wonder where we went wrong
What did I do
What didn't I do
When was I ever not enough
And why do you think that I deserve this.

Turning it over
Letting the tears of mourning
Sadness
And pain
Fall upon it.

I lift that place up to God
offering it to Him
giving it to Him
and finally
pleading for Him to take it
because I can't see for the tears
I can't feel for the pain
and I can't hear for the sound of my weeping.

I am sorry
I ask you for forgiveness
And as I imagine your pain
your pain
... your pain
I cry again and just want to be there with you to share it.

I always knew that you could hurt me
I didn't think that you ever would
At least, not like this
And yet, inside I know
that this is not you
this is not what you wanted
what you ever could want
and that you're hurting
(amongst other things)
because I am hurting.

And so the sun sets over the hills
Closer to you than it is to me
Though I can still see it
The only light is the dim glow of my computer screen
As I type
The pinks and mauves and blues
have faded to greys
And the tears begin to dry on my face.

But the pain
The ever-present
ever ebbing
ever bleeding pain
continues.
But I know I will be okay.